Deep, deep inside, in a guarded fortress of my heart, you lived.
I built this place for you, with all the materials I could find, to protect you, to keep away cruel, insensitive beings and energies from you. I tried my best to hide you there.
Please believe me. Please.
You sat shy and huddled in a corner, and from time to time I could hear your heart-wrenching cry for love. You only wanted to play in the sunshine, catch butterflies and bubbles, jump into puddles, eat vanilla ice cream, watch fluffy clouds, sing fantasy-melodies, listen to bedtime-stories wrapped in a cozy blanket, laugh, express all your emotions, be a child.
Free, beloved and playful. Your birthright.
But you had to wait there, in that lonely fortress, until your crying became screaming and pleading. The grief developed into a rage.
And you started to hate me for hiding you there.
And I started to hate you for poisoning my adult life, my job, my relationships with your fury from deep inside, with your feelings of shame, of anxiety, of guilt, of unworthiness.
One sweet day, I reached out my hand to you, whispering softly and carefully “I love you”, shivering while waiting for your answer.
First there was nothing, no answer, you needed patience.
I gave it to you.
Then you needed space and time to show me all your sadness, all your anger, combined with a quietly and shyly spoken “but I love you too. Please help me out of here. Please never leave me alone again.”
I promised it. And I broke this promise. You trusted me and I broke this trust. Back and forth, again and again. So many times.
One day I finally found the ability to be your loving parents, mum and dad, the best mum and dad I could find inside myself, the mum and dad you have always deserved. The mum and dad you thought you would have, forced to live in that illusion about our real parents in order to survive.
In response to my loving parenting, you showed me all your playfulness, your joy, your divine unconditional love, your mystery, your creativity, your intensity, your enthusiasm, your authenticity and your gratitude.
Together we burned down the fortress around my heart, danced hand in hand on the ashes, and planted wild flowers there, in all colors of the rainbow.
On this ground we built you a cozy wooden house with a veranda and a rocking chair, overlooking the ocean, just like you love. There are funny, loving friends and adorable cats, and guardian angels who watch over you and protect you.
I visit you there whenever we miss each other and tell you a bedtime story, wrapped in a warm blanket with you, till we both fall asleep, our faces smiling and sparkling.