Today, I feel insecure about you. Today, I have doubts.
Are you there? Does everything make sense?
Are we all one? Are we all love?
Today the darkness and brutality on our planet tears my heart apart. Why does it have to be so fucking horrifying what human beings can do to each other?
How can you allow this?
Innocent, lovable children, born full of basic trust and joy, are tortured to death, knocked unconscious, sexually abused by disgusting old men or even their own mothers and fathers, just because the adults don’t take responsibility for their own dark feelings and childhood wounds.
All the violence and agony of all the senseless wars in the world create countless heart-wrenching tales of woe, just because of money, power, and the misuse of religion.
Beautiful, sensitive animals are tormented in devastating conditions of factory farming just because greedy people want to devour them without any awareness of the suffering they cause.
Pet owners let out their repressed aggressions on these lovely creatures, just to enjoy the feelings of superiority and mightiness.
Crazed gunmen and terrorists spread fear, despair, and profound mistrust on this gorgeous planet, just because they lost any connection to themselves, to you, and, therefore, to all of us.
Only hearing about such things in the news freezes my blood and makes me wonder if there really is a holy plan behind it.
When I see pictures or videos of such terrible scenes, my trust in you is pushed to the limit.
Today I sit next to my beloved, who was tortured as a child, holding him in my arms while he cries and screams from all the frozen pain in his body and all the frightening flashbacks.
Despite my deep faith in you, even I have problems to explain to him why you didn’t prevent such a crime and that he is ultimately safe in your love.
Today I can’t, and I don’t want to accept that I am one with such a merciless and cruel perpetrator.
Don’t misunderstand: I do have a spiritual concept for all this.
I think that such souls have been victims themselves. They suffered unbearable pain themselves, and only going through this pain and developing self-love and self-compassion could end the toxic cycle.
I know that because of the hardship they spread here on Earth, they give us the possibility to realize what we are not: DARKNESS AND FEAR, but instead to feel what we are: LIGHT AND LOVE.
I am aware that it is precisely the free will that makes life such a great adventure. We can choose to be everything: evil, good, whatever, and we knew this when we came here.
We knew about all the possible suffering, and yet we wanted to experience being human and being vulnerable.
Sometimes in my meditation, I even feel that all this is right; I sense it as a warm soothing vibration of oneness in my heart.
But today, I just get lost in this overwhelming feeling of doubt. Today this dream of life just feels like a terrible nightmare, and I only long to finally wake up.
I know that in the moment of death, my soul will see things from your perspective and will immediately understand everything.
But I am not yet ready to leave this planet because I love my life despite all the challenges, and I think I still have a task here, so I beg you to help me remember the truth while I am alive and constantly feel it in my heart.
Please, send me a sign that you are in charge.
I surrender to your grace.