I will tell you now why I am quite a happy and vibrant human being. Of course I have bad, dark moments and struggles like everyone, but after many years of processing and inner work, I feel at home in myself. I love myself.
So, are you ready for my “secret”?
I ended any contact with my toxic parents.
I said NO.
I needed years to take that step, trying everything to find a way. Trying to communicate with mutual respect, to get through to them, to continue loving them.
“If only I could find the right words, if only I could reduce the intensity of my feelings, if only I could convince them to accept MY version of the story.”
But I couldn't. No chance. There was no one to speak to.
Just two hiding, terrified and furious little children, who developed into loveless adults and toxic parents: for themselves and for me.
“But they had toxic childhoods themselves, I have to be compassionate with them. They gave their best.”
No, they didn't. And this realization was the key to my freedom, to my life. They didn't give their best.
They chose the more comfortable way of not taking responsibility for their wounds, for their feelings, but instead simply passing them on energetically to the next generation, to the next innocent child, to me.
Suddenly I knew, that there was only one way to break this toxic blueprint after all these insane generations:
I had to allow myself to FEEL.
I had to allow myself to EXPRESS my feelings.
I had to allow myself to LOVE myself.
I had to allow myself to REMEMBER who I am.
I had to allow myself to say NO to everything and everyone which kept me away from that.
Maybe this sounds simple, but it was not. I had moments of emotional release, where I thought I would die.
It felt like jumping into a black hole. As if my body would collapse without any life-force left in it. It felt as if I could fill oceans with my tears. As if I could kill someone just with my screaming.
While going through all this, I tried to be the loving mother and father for my own terrified and furious inner child.
The mother and father which I would have deserved when I was a real child. The parents I always projected on my real parents.
Just an illusion.
But in myself, it wasn't an illusion. It was real.
The unconditional love my parents never gave me was there, in the middle of my chest, in my heart.
And in this heart I could find forgiveness after a long time.
A forgiveness more on the level of the soul, where everything makes sense, than on the level of the human being.
I can see the beautiful divine essence of my parents, like in everyone; but I also see the ugly, destructive, cold personalities they live through here on earth.
I allow my inner child to feel the anger about what they did, and what they did not do. It was their choice. It was free will. I cannot rescue them. And I don't want to rescue them anymore. I let them go in peace, in clarity.
I know that one day, probably after many other lives, they will find their way back to their lovable, loving souls.
Because they are love, they have just forgotten it.
I consider my parents as the catapult which brought me into this incarnation. They are not my true family. I chose them because I had to learn certain lessons, and they also wanted me to teach them certain lessons.
By saying NO to the unhealthy patterns of my parents I have been able to find my true family, my soul-family. In this family, love doesn't set conditions and shrinks, but it feels warm and expansive.
You wouldn't believe how much healthier, brighter and happier I am since I decided to protect myself radically from the poisonous energy of my parents. I am more aware, more present, more grateful, more compassionate, more joyful, more loving.
It is such a societal taboo to say this, but it is the truth.
So many people believe they have to honor and love their parents unconditionally, simply repressing all the pain they have suffered. They pay such a high price for that: they sacrifice their own life. And the toxic cycle continues...
The earth is such a crazy place, because all these billions of terrified and furious inner children run around headless and heartless, searching and demanding unconditional love where it cannot be found. They glorify the parents with every cell in their bodies, because it hurts too much to face that they never loved unconditionally. Searching for this love then in relationships, jobs, drugs, alcohol, sports, sex, fun, distraction, TV, in all kinds of addiction.
But it cannot be found there.
It is inside of you. Waiting for you.
Only by loving yourself you can make the earth a better place.