Practice showing up for yourself.
Over and over again.
Those who grow up in dysfunctional and unsupportive environments often struggle with putting their foot down where necessary and doing what they need the most.
In some way or the other, they’ve been told that it’s selfish, that their needs aren’t important, and in some cases, they don’t even know what it means to really show up for themselves.
Showing up for yourself simply means that you do the things you need to do in order to take good care of yourself, 𝗳𝗶𝗿𝘀𝘁.
It’s Self-Care. It’s Self-Preservation. It’s Self-Devotion. All in a loving, compassionate, and self-honouring way that supports your healing and growth.
Sometimes this could look like being courageous and doing that one thing you’re afraid of, have been avoiding, and some days it looks like simply treating yourself because you deserve it.
Here are some ways you can show up for yourself this weekend:
1. Communicate assertively and clearly where needed.
2. Reaffirm loving things about yourself.
3. Say yes to things that inspire you.
4. Say no to people that are holding you back or to things that feel out of alignment.
5. Cook a meal for yourself.
6. Spend time alone. Read your favourite book, watch a movie, do some journaling, meditate or just take that luxurious bath with rose petals.
7. Spend time with people who add value to your life. Be extremely picky!
8. Have that difficult conversation with your parents, partner, friends, or colleagues.
9. Pause. Take a break. Allow yourself the rest you deserve.
10. Do the uncomfortable inner-work you’ve been avoiding.
11. Choose pleasure over pressure.
12. Eat that cake without guilt!
13. Tend to & channel your inner child.
14. Declutter - physically & digitally.
15. Seek help. Reach out. Go for therapy. Find a coach to work with.
Fucked-up people will try to
tell you otherwise, but boundaries
have nothing to do with whether
you love someone or not.
They are not judgments,
punishments, or betrayals.
They are a purely peaceable thing:
the basic principles you identify
for yourself that define the behaviors
that you will tolerate from others,
as well as the responses you
will have to those behaviors.
Boundaries teach people how to
treat you, and they teach you
how to respect yourself.
All feelings are only looking for a loving home, for mercy and protection.
Feelings that have been resisted, pushed away, denied, banished, do not actually disappear; they live on in the darkness of the Unconscious, homeless and hungry for love, pulling the strings in our relationships, our bodies, our work in the world, getting in the way of our joy. Screaming for attention, deep down in the Underworld, they sap and drain our vitality and self-expression, cause us to become reactive, compulsive and obsessive, depressed and anxious, and ultimately affect our physical health... all in their attempt to get us to listen.
Until one day, we remember, all feelings are sacred and have a right to exist in us, even the messiest and most inconvenient and painful ones. And we remember to turn towards our feelings instead of running away. To soften into them. To make room for them instead of numbing them out or ignoring them.
These hungry ghosts, now fed with our love, our warm attention, our curiosity and Presence, now given a home in us, can finally come to rest. They no longer need to pull the strings in our lives. They now have the empathy they always longed for.
So much of our precious life force, our prana, our chi, our sacred energy, is spent on this Sisyphean task of pushing feelings away, trying to make them go 'somewhere else', but where would they go? For even the Underworld is within us. So much creativity is released, so much relief is felt, when we break this age-old pattern of self-abandonment, go beyond our fearful conditioning, and try something totally new: staying close to feelings, not pushing them away, as they emerge in the freshness of the moment, looking for their true home - which is our own hearts.
I am eternally grateful to the gods of the Underworld for keeping my feelings safe until I was ready to feel them, for protecting me from what I was not yet ready to protect.
No matter how great your
childhood might have been,
if you’re alive today
you’ve experienced trauma.
Let me explain...
We live in an inherently traumatising, sick society which frankly is not designed to suit or nourish the human spirit.
We live in an emotional dark age where less than a hundred years ago it was acceptable and encouraged to not tell your children you loved them (let alone that women should be submissive to men or that people of colour are second class humans, or that disabled people should be aborted or locked away, or that gay/transgender people are abominations) (and let’s acknowledge the sad truth that a lot of these things haven’t changed…).
Most of our grand-parents or great-grandparents lived through two world wars - ancestrally passed down trauma is a very real thing (which applies to my second point as well).
From a very young age you are bombarded with media that subliminally tells you you’re not good enough as you are.
It’s still the norm to punish ‘bad’ behaviour and reward ‘good’ behaviour (like a dog) as if any child is actually ‘bad’ which creates a self concept around needing to ‘be good’ (familial and societal projection) in order to get love, internalising the belief that love is conditional and you are not inherently deserving or able to receive unconditional love.
And this is only just the beginning... never mind the catastrophe that is 2020...
It is traumatic to not have our deepest needs met - that being the need we can’t fully acknowledge because we have learnt we can’t have it: the need for unconditional love; to be seen and valued for who we are; to know that we are good enough and worthy just for Being.
We need to wake up to the reality of the great spectrum of trauma that is so insidious it’s actually become normalised.
What we need to normalise is talking about trauma and seeing it for what it is; wake up from our collective apathy and realise we can each make a difference to change things if we are willing to engage with reality as is; only then can we actually create a new reality in which our Being, Spirit and Soul is truly nourished.
With love and compassion for the pain that can come with seeing our trauma clearly.
Relax wild one.
It’s not your job
to be everything
and you don’t have
to be impressive
to be loved.
Stop trying so hard.
Just show up…
and be real
with the world.
That is enough.
Two thoughts on stillness:
1. Stillness is terrifying because it
reveals to us what we’ve been too
afraid to look at.
2. Stillness is beautiful because it
reveals to us what we’ve been too
afraid to look at.
Today someone will begin their journey
of doing inner child work and reconnect
with their inner child.
That reunion will begin healing their history.
So today, a child will be rescued.
What a beautiful thought.
There’s been a huge movement the last few years in inner child work. Today someone will enter that arena, and do the brave work to have a conversation with their inner child.
They will understand for the first time that that child has carried much of the burdens that was placed on them, and has desperately waited to be rescued out of those circumstances. That rescue, will change everything. It will connect the adult with their inner child, and provide new life lines for survival, and intimate growth.
It’s common to delay this reunion. We have long been separated from what our inner child has carried. Know this, they’ve done the best they can to survive. Much of your anxiety and fear is connected to their untold stories. Much of your hunger for deeper connection, can be satisfied with your connection to them. The inner child is not looking to harm, scar, or scare you. They simply want to be rescued, and are expressing that the best way they know how.
That rescue will connect parts of you that calm the world around you. You will exhale and know that you’ve been someone’s hero today.
That’s a beautiful thought, and that’s where I will focus my attention.
Sending so much love, encouragement, support and peace to the people doing inner child work today. Life as they know it, will never be the same… In the best way.
Please, just let love in. Tell people how you feel, and do not worry about being too much. Be too much. Care too much. Let people show up for you. Let people remind you that there is goodness in this world. Be vulnerable, do not be afraid of what you feel. Try to find the beauty in each breakdown, try to move forward and let go; try to learn and believe in new beginnings despite what you have been through. Kiss the faces of your friends, hug their broken pieces back together, laugh loudly and hope loudly and live loudly and be gentle with yourself, be gentle with your healing. Connect, connect, connect - with every ounce of who you are, with every inch of your patchwork heart. Connect with the people who make you feel deeply. Connect with the moments that bring tears to your eyes. Connect with the things that make your hands shake, embrace the things that make you aware of just how lucky you are to be alive. Please, just connect - because beautiful things are vanishing each and every day. Do not let your heart become one of them.
distracts us from
- Figuring out whether we’re truly happy.
- Feeling lonely.
- Having the tough conversations.
- The discontent that we carry deep inside.
- The things that we want to ask for but don’t.
- The memories that we can’t talk about.
- The heaviness of living in this world.
(Lee McKay Doe)
Be confused, it’s where you
begin to learn new things.
Be broken, it’s where you
begin to heal.
Be frustrated, it’s where you start
to make more authentic decisions.
Be sad, because if we are
brave enough we can hear our
heart’s wisdom through it.
Be whatever you are right now.
No more hiding.
You are worthy, always.
12 Steps to Self Care
1. If it feels wrong, don‘t do it.
2. Say exactly what you mean.
3. Don‘t be a people pleaser.
4. Trust your instincts.
5. Never speak bad about yourself.
6. Never give up on your dreams.
7. Don‘t be afraid to say no.
8. Don‘t be afraid to say yes.
9. Be kind to yourself.
10. Let go of what you can‘t control.
11. Stay away from drama and negativity.
(Izey Victoria Odiase)
Healing is a co-creative process
… no shaman or medical doctor,
healer or therapist, herbal remedy
or manufactured drug can heal you
on its own.
For healing to occur, there must
always be a part of you, even if
it’s completely unconscious,
that elects to participate.
Dealing with ‘Inconsistent’ People:
You have to make them value your presence
by bringing as much value and positive energy
as possible. And if they don’t, then you must
honor yourself, set a clear and defined boundary,
and introduce them to your absence.
Put your energy with people who truly value you
and avoid those who don’t.
To be beautiful means to be yourself.
You don’t need to be accepted by others.
You need to accept yourself.
When you are born a lotus flower,
be a beautiful lotus flower,
don’t try to be a magnolia flower.
If you crave acceptance and recognition
and try to change yourself to fit
what other people want you to be,
you will suffer all your life.
True happiness and true power
lie in understanding yourself,
accepting yourself, having
confidence in yourself.
(Thich Nhat Hanh)
You can be the ripest, juiciest peach
in the world, and there's still going to be
somebody who hates peaches.
(Dita Von Teese)
Questions to Begin Understanding
Your Inner Child
1. When I felt scared or hurt, how did
a parent address my emotions?
2. When something "big“ happened in
my home, was there open communication?
3. What messages did I get around
who I was or who I was supposed to be?
4. What activities or actions did I take part in
to receive love or approval?
5. Were there secrets/things we didn’t speak
about/or things we hid from the public?
6. Did I feel free to be myself or did I fear
reactions and walk on eggshells?
(Dr. Nicole LePera)
This world is not made of shades of grey.
It is made of colours like azure and coral
and emerald and marigold.
But it insists on painting everything
in black and white and fitting it
into boxes that it understands.
Do not do that to yourself.
Paint your personality a million
Leave them scratching their heads,
unsure of how to handle
the magic that you are.
We are so afraid to change careers,
to end relationships, to outgrow people
or places - and that's just growth.
To me, choosing to go toward the
cracking in order to keep expanding
is the only way. The only way to
get out of pain is to go through it.
Pain is information.
The reality is, you could be amazing,
genuine, and sincere, but
still be overlooked.
But honestly, people don’t want
something real anymore,
they just want reasons to complain
and excuses to avoid.
Having a good thing is so hard
because meeting a strong person
is so rare. So I’ve learned to respect
when people run from me,
I realize my kind of love
ain’t for everybody.
I’m at peace with that.
(Rob Hill Sr.)
I cannot always sparkle.
I cannot always roar.
Sometimes, I need
to breathe slowly.
To sit down inside
the lace-like scraps
of my vulnerability and
whisper sweet poems
to my soul.
There’s incredible power
in my tenderness,
in my softness, in the
saltiness of my tears.
There is fierce beauty
in the shaky pulses of
my very human heart.
(Sarah L. Harvey)
What if 2020 isn't canceled?
What if 2020 is the year
we’ve been waiting for?
A year so uncomfortable,
so painful, so scary, so raw -
that it finally forces us to grow.
A year that screams so loud,
finally awakening us from
our ignorant slumber.
A year we finally accept
the need for change.
Declare change. Work for change.
Become the change.
A year we finally band together,
instead of pushing each other
2020 isn’t canceled, but rather
the most important year of them all.
we may not
that we were
to think, feel, and
behave like our parents.
(Lisa A. Romano)
No apologizing today,
darling, for who you are,
for how you see life,
for how you breathe.
No hiding either.
No shame. Just be you.
The world will
catch up with
your fire eventually.
As Bessel van der Kolk writes: "Trauma,
by definition, is unbearable and intolerable".
You are not weak not are you worthless for
struggling to cope with your trauma.
The hidden gems of healing from your trauma
are deep within and exploring a traumatic
past is far from simple. In fact, it may be
one of the most difficult experiences
you go through, aside from the trauma itself.
Give yourself spacious room to be a human:
a human who is limited in their ability to be
their best during some of their worst times.
You are a human by nature and it’s natural
to struggle with things as difficult as trauma.
You’re strong and you will get through this.
(Dr. Courtney Tracy)
It’s up to you - it’s always up to you. You can deny, repress, distort, and bury your unresolved wounds all you want. You can re-frame them, pseudo-positivity them, detach from them, bypass them. You can re-name yourself, hide away in a monastery, turn your story around. And you can spend all your money on superficial healing practices and hocus-pocus practitioners. But it won’t mean a damn thing, if you don’t do the deeper work to excavate and heal your primary wounds. The material is still there, right where you left it, subconsciously ruling your life and controlling your choices. This is the nature of unhealed material - it is alive, and one way or the other, it will manifest itself in your lived experience. It will language your inner narrative. It will obstruct your path and limit your possibilities. It lives everywhere that you live. And so you have to decide - excavate it and bring it into consciousness where it can be worked through and integrated; or repress it and watch it rule your life. It’s one of the hardest truths we have to face: If we don’t deal with our stuff, it deals with us. There is no way around this. Choose.
You can’t be an important
and life-changing presence
for some people without
also being a joke and an
embarrassment to others.
"The Subtle Art of Not
Giving a Fuck".
If you have to shrink who you are
or compromise your wellbeing
in order to maintain a relationship,
that person doesn’t deserve you.
The right people will respect
the boundaries you set.
They might be disappointed.
They might not like it.
But they won’t put you down,
guilt you, or manipulate you
into changing your no into a yes.
The right people want you to
take care of yourself.
They want you to be honest
about your needs.
Maybe when the world
is brought to its knees,
is when we start giving
less f*cks about anything
that doesn’t really matter.
When you dare to walk
a wild and unconventional path,
you trigger other people’s insecurities.
You make them call into question
their own lives and decisions.
THAT’S why they don’t support you:
you are blazing a path they
were incapable of walking.
And that makes them feel inadequate.
Every now and again, and more often
than not, disconnect. Disconnect from
everything that doesn’t light a fire in
your soul. Set down your phone,
shut off your computer, tuck away
your planner, and reconnect with
everything that does light a fire
in your soul. Spend time in nature
to reacquaint yourself with the
towering trees, the soft grass, and
the mirroring lakes. Spend time with
the ones you love without distraction.
Be with them with only intention of
simply being present with them.
Spend time reading or painting,
walking or dancing - the things that
slow down time for you and allow
you to reconnect.
THE STAGES OF SPIRITUAL AWAKENING
STAGE 1: EMOTIONAL ROCK BOTTOM
An emotional emptiness where you question
if this is all there is. Complete confusion,
pain, and frustration with life.
STAGE 2: BECOMING AWARE
An awareness that you have an
ego (voice in your head) and childhood
conditioning that has you living within
behavioral patterns that no longer
STAGE 3: THE HERMIT "COCOON“ PHASE
A pull inwards. To spend time alone
in reflection. Questioning everything you’ve
been told. A pull to learn all you can and
avoid small talk, chaos, and draining
interactions. The beginning of the birth
of the true self.
STAGE 4: THE REBIRTH
With expanded consciousness, you experience
what it is to access choice beyond ego.
You’ll be pulled to show others how to do
the same which creates a ripple effect
(Dr. Nicole LePera)