What if you stopped trying to get over it?
The people who asked of you to
"get over it" most likely didn’t have any
concept of how to process their own emotions.
Instead get into it so that you can get
through it. Sit with it. Be unconditional
with the parts of you that are trapped in it.
That’s how you claim your emotional
sovereignty. Most of your suffering
came from resisting it.
My belief is that recovery from
childhood abandonment, neglect,
and abuse is a process, not an event.
Reading this book and doing the
exercises will not make all your
problems disappear overnight.
But I guarantee that you’ll discover a
delightful little person within yourself.
You will be able to listen to that
child’s anger and sadness and to
celebrate life with your inner child in a
more joyous, creative, and playful way.
So many adults are just
very large children
who were never seen
and enabled to be.
Signs of a
Wounded Inner Child
- you’re co-dependent
- have low self-worth
- don’t feel good enough
- people please, fix and rescue
- attract toxic partners
- don’t know who you are
the future you will thank you
for listening to your intuition,
for upholding boundaries that
supported your inner thriving,
for saying no to things that
did not align with your values,
for taking the time to build your
self-awareness and for staying
true to your vision.
Life as an adult is much harder and
weirder than I thought it would be.
But I get to have coffee and
choose my own bedtime,
so I guess that’s something.
It is safe to be in my body.
It is safe to be in my body.
It is safe to be in my body.
And, so it is.
And, so I return.
I dig people
not the crowd.
Hug yourself like you would like
your mother to hold you.
Listen to yourself like you would
want your friend to hear you.
Encourage yourself with the words
you would love to hear
come from your father’s lips.
Give yourself the attention
you would want from your lover.
Accept yourself like you long for
the world to embrace you.
Your healing begins with you first.
That’s the beauty of it.
As long as you have you,
you can do anything.
You can process and
let go of anything.
In loving yourself, everything
becomes possible again.
The sky becomes soft.
The world is beautiful once more.
As traumatized children,
we always dreamed
that someone would
come and save us.
We never dreamed
that it would,
in fact, be ourselves,
TELL YOUR FUCKING TRUTH
I have seen miracles happen,
when people just tell the truth.
Not the ‘nice’ truth.
Not the truth that seeks to please or comfort.
But the wild truth. The feral truth.
The inconvenient truth.
The tantric truth. The ‘fucking’ truth.
The truth you’re afraid to tell.
The horrible truth about yourself
that you hide in order to ‘protect’ others.
To avoid being ‘too much’.
To avoid being shamed and rejected.
To avoid being seen.
The truth of your deepest feelings:
The rage you have been concealing, controlling, pasting over.
The terrors you do not want to speak.
The sexual urges you’ve been trying to numb.
The primal longings you cannot bear to articulate.
Finally, the defences break down,
and this ‘unsafe’ material emerges
from deep within the unconscious.
You can’t hold it back anymore.
The image of the ‘good boy’ or ‘nice girl’ evaporates.
The ‘perfect one’, the ‘one who has it all figured out’,
the 'evolved one', these images burn.
You tremble, you sweat, you come close to vomiting,
you think you might die doing it,
but finally you tell the fucking truth,
the truth you are deeply ashamed of.
Not the abstract truth. Not the ‘spiritual’ truth.
Not a carefully-worded truth designed to prevent offence.
Not a neatly-packaged truth.
But a messy, fiery, sloppy human truth.
A bloody, passionate, provocative, sensual,
untamed and unvarnished mortal truth.
A shaky, sticky, sweaty, vulnerable truth.
The truth of how you feel.
The truth that lets another person see you in the raw.
The truth that makes one gasp.
The truth that makes your heart pound.
This is the truth that will set you free.
I have seen chronic depressions and life-long anxieties lift overnight.
I have seen deeply embedded traumas evaporate.
I have seen fibromyalgia, life-long migraines, chronic fatigue, unbearable back pain, bodily tension, stomach disorders, vanish, never to return.
Of course, the ‘side-effects’ of truth aren’t always this dramatic.
And we don’t step into our truth with a result in mind.
But think of the massive amounts of energy it must take to repress our animal wildness, numb our feral nature, suppress our rage, tears and terror,
uphold a false image, and pretend to be ‘okay’.
Think of all the tension we hold in the body,
and the damage it does to our immune systems,
when we live in fear of 'coming out'.
Take the risk of telling your truth.
The truth you are afraid to tell.
The truth you fear will make the world run.
Find a safe person - a friend, a therapist, a counsellor, yourself - and let them in. Let them hold you as you break down.
Let them love on you as you weep, rage,
quake with fear, and generally make a mess.
Tell your fucking truth to someone - it might just save your life, heal you from deep within, and connect you to humanity in ways you never imagined.
I am not a
victim of life,
I am a survivor
of pain, a lover of truth,
a master of darkness,
devoted to rising,
again & again & again,
with strength blazing
in my heart, like fire.
I am a phoenix,
here to burn,
here to learn,
here to break free.
(Sarah L. Harvey)
If you’ve spent your life
desperately trying to be
what everyone else wanted or
needed you to be in order for you
to feel worthy, good enough, or loved,
it makes sense why you might not know
who you actually are underneath.
It makes sense why you might feel
like a stranger to yourself when
the real you hasn’t been able to
come to the surface and be known.
If you’re on the journey back
home to yourself, welcome.
It’s quite a ride,
and you aren’t alone.
Stalking people online is toxic.
Negative comments are toxic.
Fake accounts are toxic.
Online pettiness & drama is toxic.
Social media trolling is toxic.
Jealously is toxic.
Spend more time healing your mind
and your soul and becoming
a better person.
Because I’m stardust.
I do epic,
Your truth will bring out the worst in others.
Your love will tingle what they’ve numbed.
Your authenticity will provoke closed minds.
Your gratitude will irritate trolls.
Your success will attract haters.
Your empowerment will create enemies.
Your uniqueness will antagonize assholes.
Your courage will attract cowards.
Your sexuality will freak people out.
Your joy will expose inner shit.
Your compassion will unmask envy.
And love, that’s what it’s all meant to do.
Your aliveness will reveal many mental prisons,
but help to set even more minds free.
Never underestimate a cycle breaker.
Not only did they experience years of
generational trauma, but they stood in
the face of the trauma and fought to
say "This ends with me." This is brave.
This is powerful. This comes at a
significant cost. Never underestimate
a cycle breaker.
I don’t feel we talk enough about the costs of what it means to be a cycle breaker. Certainly it is a brave act, but it’s often not a choice. Many were born into such severe generational trauma, that being a cycle breaker was the only option for survival. This comes at a significant cost.
These are people who see life from a different level, because they’ve had no choice but to sacrifice what normalcy would look like to many, all in order to heal their pain.
They have little tolerance for inauthenticity, they crave clear and in-depth communication, and they connect on in-depth levels because of what they’ve seen. They often feel they don’t belong because they have life experience that could seem too heavy to others.
To the many cycle breakers out there, we are building a community that honors, respects, and educates. We know what it’s cost you. We never want to underestimate that, and want to thank you for being anchors in a community where our voices and stories are finally being told.
Damn proud of you.
You’re here. You did it.
Rising out of your comfort zone
and into your truth could
Walking away from toxic
relationships might be painful.
Letting go of that old belief system
will likely be scary as hell.
But if you think that’s rough,
try staying where you
no longer belong.
That shit will kill you.
“It’s all just an illusion.” This was the response someone made on a post about the danger we are facing with a Trump presidency. And it was not the first time someone had said that in the months since the election. “It’s all just an illusion. This isn’t reality. We just have to shift our perspective.”
And it’s not just said in response to Trump. It’s a common response to any sort of difficult situation. And it’s bullshit. It’s the kind of bullshit that makes me twitch and rage.
I’ve noticed that when people say, “It’s all just an illusion,” it’s so they can avoid the discomfort you’re making them feel. You go to a spiritual mentor or friend with your pain, and they respond with, “It’s all just an illusion.” They’re engaging in spiritual bypassing in order to minimize their own pain and gaslighting you in order to keep you from continuing to cause them pain with yours. “It’s all just an illusion, you’re stressing out over nothing. Everything is for the best.” They aren’t necessarily doing this consciously. They may truly believe this, but not all beliefs serve us, and this is one that needs deep re-evaluation.
Spiritual Bypassing is insidious, and so prevalent in the New Age and Spiritual circles that most people are experiencing it without even knowing it. It’s a pain avoidance technique, something our culture has gotten very, very good at. But more than just a pain avoidance technique, it’s a reality avoidance technique. If it’s all just an illusion, then we can ignore the suffering and go about our comfortably privileged lives without ever having to deal with the pain of living in a chaotic world where significant numbers of people live in horrific conditions, women are raped and killed daily, children are trafficked for sex, and the climate is rapidly shifting to what may be untenable for human life. It’s scary fucking times, and “It’s all just an illusion,” is really reassuring.
Gaslighting is a manipulative technique meant to make the receiver doubt their sanity, and thus doubt reality. It’s a technique often used by narcissists; Trump is gaslighting America. He’ll say something, it’s recorded, and not long after, he denies it even happened, or insists that it was misinterpreted or taken out of context. “It’s all just an illusion,” makes you doubt reality. It makes you doubt your own emotions and your own experience. It’s a deeply disturbing form of gaslighting, because it’s an idea put forth by many so-called gurus and spiritual “leaders.”
Recent advances in quantum physics seem to demonstrate that reality as we experience it is a sort of hologram, or even a simulation. New Age teachers and spiritual gurus often take this to mean that our reality isn’t the real reality, and so it’s all just an illusion, even the suffering, and the way to escape the suffering is to escape the illusion. They point to ancient teachings about how fleeting life is, how temporary everything is, how everything is constantly changing as proof that this is not the real reality, that this is all just an illusion. But is that really what those teachings are saying?
When a Zen master speaks of attachment leading to suffering because change is constant, they’re not saying that the reality we experience isn’t real. They’re saying that shit changes, and if you continually get attached to shit, when you lose the shit, it’s gonna hurt. That doesn’t mean the shit wasn’t real. Shit has been real for a very, very long time. But shit is temporary. There is always new shit, and new shit eventually becomes old shit, and old shit goes away. This is why mindfulness and non-attachment are so important. Enjoying your life in the moment, knowing there might not be a next one. Enjoying what you have while you have it, knowing you might not have it for long. And not suffering when the thing is gone, because you fully immersed yourself in every moment with it.
The truth is that even if this is all an illusion, it’s all we’ve got right now. And to ignore what is right in front of us in favor of wishy-washy spiritual maxims is not going to promote true spiritual growth. Instead, it encourages people to stay in a spiritual infancy, unable to truly handle painful emotions and situations, stuck in a perpetual pattern of avoidance that doesn’t make anything better, and can actually make things worse.
A Narcissist's Prayer
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did...
You deserved it.
80 % of what you do, say, react too,
get triggered by, think and make
decisions comes from your
unique programming, that was
installed by some form of authority
when you were a kid.
This means, that if you’re not
doing the inner work to unblock,
you are living someone else’s life.
You don’t have to be what
other people want you to be.
You don’t have to be interesting
or agreeable or entertaining.
You don’t have to tone yourself down,
quiet your voice, or hide your feelings.
You don’t have to be outgoing
or spontaneous or sociable.
You don’t have to be thin or
beautiful or anyone’s definition
You don’t have to be anyone other
than who you authentically are,
and you sure as hell don’t have to
spend your time and energy
trying to convince people that
you’re worth keeping around.
The right people are going to
recognize your worth.
They are going to respect you,
appreciate you, and accept you,
without forcing you to compromise
who you are.
Life is too short, and your happiness
is far too important, to make room for
anyone who treats you otherwise.
This is what can happen when someone hasn’t cried since infancy.
They become Donald Trump.
They live from an armored heart.
They are incapacitated with respect to empathy.
They have no ability to form and sustain healthy bonds.
They have a tendency toward misplaced aggression.
They are internally (and hence externally) unstable.
They have sociopathic and psychopathic tendencies.
They have an egoic hole that can never be filled.
Trump boasts about his crylessness, as though it is a sign of strength, but it's not an indicator of strength.
It’s an indicator of trauma.
It’s an indicator of emotional illness.
It’s an indicator that he was in so much pain that he had to stop feeling.
In watching him, you are seeing what happens to a human being when they are frozen in time.
Crying is not just necessary for healthy functioning.
It’s essential for healthy development.
It’s fundamental to the transition from babyhood to adulthood.
He can’t act like an adult, because he hasn’t developed into one yet.
He is still back there, in his cryless crib, in the repressive regime that is his inner life.
All those unshed tears and unresolved wounds have congealed within, and permanently falsified his inner world.
He can't feel compassion, because he can't feel his heart.
It’s little wonder he lies all the time.
His inner life is built on a foundation of inauthenticity.
It’s all lies outside, because it’s all lies inside.
After all is said and done, we will realize that all the horrors we have seen with this man, are in direct proportion to the horror that is his inner life.
He is living out his internalized pain and anger, in his outer world projections.
He imagines himself strong, when in fact, he is a cowardly child.
He tantrums against humanity, because he doesn’t have the egoic strength to confront his underlying trauma.
And that's why he won’t wear a mask.
Because his whole life is already a mask.
The sooner he goes back to his New York pentcrib, the better.
And the next time you vote for a president, ask him how often he cries.
And if his answer is “never”, don’t vote for him.
There is no greater battle in life
than the battle between
the parts of you that
want to be healed
and the parts of you
that are comfortable
PAY ATTENTION TO
the people who say
they’re going to show up
& the people who actually do.
2020 has been the year of the world
hitting the master reset button.
We are now trying to install
Self-Love also looks like:
- trusting your own process
when no one else does
- changing your mind if something
else better aligns with your path
- taking all the time you need
- being unapologetic about
the things that heal you &
make you vibrate higher
The deeper you dive
into your truth,
the more you might
rub people the wrong way
and feel misunderstood.
Do not let it stop you.
The fact is, diving into
your truth can feel scary
and it might scare off many.
But it will only scare off
those who are afraid
to meet themselves.
It is time for parents
to teach young people
early on that in diversity
there is beauty and
there is strength.
To ignore evil
is to become
an accomplice to it.
(Martin Luther King, Jr.)
As a symbolic expression of solidarity,
we will share our favorite quotes from
black people throughout this week.
Love and peace to you all!
Verena & Alex