Your only obligation in any lifetime
is to be true to yourself.
There are layers and levels
of my being healed, unhealed, and healing.
Parts of me that are still anchored
in the middle of the ocean,
treading harsh waters.
Pieces of me that are still swimming,
filled with hopes of the shore.
Parts of me that can barely keep head
above water and struggle for breath.
Pieces of me buried under water
deep in the mud, that have a
potential to be the lotus.
Parts of me that have braved it
all the way to the warm safe shore.
And parts that are just about to
wash up there.
I am healed, unhealed, and healing
all at the same time.
Children must never work for our love;
they must rest in it.
(Dr. Gordon Neufeld)
Fuck, if we've learned anything
from this past year and a half, it is this:
We need human contact.
We need to be smiled at.
We need to he hugged.
We need to gather and
we need to be heard by someone
that isn't looking at us
through a fucking computer screen.
Humans can be annoying but dammit,
we need each other and
I don't think I'll ever
take that for granted again.
I am always surprised when friends apologize for being in a bad mood, or sharing their life challenges when I bump into them, as though there is something wrong with sharing our difficulties with each other.
This is yet another example of the bullshit positivity world we have created in western life, where we are only acceptable to each other if we share good news.
I wonder if we have communicated the message that someone else's bad news is unacceptable because we are trying to bypass our own difficulties.
Whatever it is, this has to stop.
We aren't going to co-create a genuinely positive world until we can hold the space for each other's shadow. Better an authentic frown than an inauthentic smile any day. A smile that is built on a pretentious foundation isn't a smile at all.
You know, sometimes all you
need is twenty seconds of
insane courage. Just literally
twenty seconds of just
And I promise you,
something great will
come of it.
Give every day the chance
to become the most beautiful
day of your life.
some people say
love is just a dream,
and that the world
is the way it is,
with war, hunger,
but I say,
and you’ll find
a million people on this earth,
loving each other
through the flames,
If you’re going through a hard time -
you know, the awful kind where
you’re taking deep breaths just to get
from one minute to the next -
and you find yourself genuinely smiling
or laughing or feeling an actual emotion
that isn’t despair, please hear this:
You are not faking.
A brief bit of relief or normalcy
in NO WAY invalidates what
you are dealing with.
But it can help you to survive.
Stop making excuses
for other people’s bad behavior
in the name of “Compassion."
Perspective taking, or thinking about the “why” behind other people’s behavior, is a helpful attribute for skilled relationship.
When done with intention, and usually AFTER processing our own emotions, it can help us access deep compassion which ultimately benefits our own sense of groundedness.
It can also become an unconscious way of analyzing the other in an attempt to bypass uncomfortable feelings (anger for example) in favor of more palatable feelings like pity (pseudo-compassion).
Sometimes other people’s behavior is actually just plain not okay, and understanding their story or motivation is just a distraction from protecting ourselves.
Sometimes other people’s behavior needs a mobilizing reaction, a boundary, or a hard “no.”
This blind compassion is an easy trap to fall into for anyone who derives their self worth from being kind, or simply loves to experience themselves as an empathic person.
For people who have disowned their anger, it can feel a lot safer to focus on “figuring out” the other person rather than reflecting on the self.
Does this resonate?
How do you discern the difference between when you’re practicing perspective taking and when you’re using pseudo-compassion to avoid your own feelings?
Some people never go crazy.
What truly horrible lives they must lead.
The discomfort you feel from doing your
inner work isn’t "low vibe“.
The discomfort you feel from doing the
inner work is called GROWTH!
Growth is uncomfortable, yes, but
absolutely not "low vibe“.
It’s not “low vibe” to do the inner work.
You are not manifesting bad things when you do the inner work because sometimes doing the work is difficult and does not feel like sunshine and unicorns.
This doesn’t mean you’re attracting bad things into your life, despite what the "love and light good vibes only people" are saying on this.
There’s this idea that in order to have a decent life you’re supposed to be happy 24/7.
This isn’t how you heal.
This isn’t how you do the inner work.
This is got you continue to repress your emotions which is what led you to figure out what healing even is to begin with.
Inner work is uncomfortable, so it’s understandable why most people resist doing it.
But here’s the problem - completely bypassing doing the inner work gets you exactly nowhere on your healing journey.
You can drink all the healing tea in the world, you can meditate for an entire weekend, you can listen to all the affirmation tapes and subliminal affirmation tapes you want, you can do all the yoga, you can buy all the crystals, etc., but if you’re not confronting yourself and doing the inner emotional work you can only get so far on your healing journey.
There’s nothing wrong with the above things I mentioned - these are all wonderful tools, and I’ve tried them all!
However, taking time to integrate and sit with your emotions, allow yourself to feel them, and then release them is what will get you much farther along on the healing journey than if you don’t acknowledge your emotions at all.
It’s something that can’t be rushed either.
One day at a time, baby steps.
Trauma is not what happens to us,
but what we hold inside
in the absence of an empathetic witness.
(Peter A. Levine)
Most “gurus” are just spewing bullshit
and hoping that you’re a fly.
Some words that can help soften tension
"I can see why you feel that way."
"Ouch. That one really hurt."
"I’m not sure how right I am about this."
"What you’re saying makes a lot of sense."
"I know we’re not agreeing on much right now -
but I’m still on your side.“
It can be easy for things to spin out of control during an argument.
It can be so easy to become fixated on being right and to say/do things that bring forth the disconnection we fear most.
Our brains are extremely patterned.
And when we become highly activated/triggered, our internal alarm bells go off and alert us to either fight, flee, or freeze.
One of the most supportive offerings we can do when we start to become flooded is to speak words that can slightly soften our own intensity.
If we have become too flooded, then we might need to take a short break and come back to doing this.
However, if we can catch ourselves right before we have hit our limit, then we might benefit from using certain phrases to reduce the level of stress in ourselves, and in our partner.
We can soften conflict by including a tiny bit of vulnerability in our approach.
Sharing a part of our thought process “out loud” can be extremely disarming for our partner.
"Hmmm. I don’t really know if I’m actually right about this.“
"I’ve approached you in this way before and it hasn’t really worked so well.“
"I really don’t want to admit that you’re actually a little right about this.“
"I’m really mad at myself for how I just approached you."
One of the most helpful things I sometimes say to my partner when I feel hurt during an argument is "I don’t really know if you can actually help me with this."
In a strange way, saying that frees both of us from having to immediately do something.
It puts a break on having to come up with a solution.
It give me the space to let go of the control or "answer" I desperately long for in those moments.
It gives us time to re-connect and feel into where we both actually are.
Something powerful can sometimes happen when we reveal our inner process to another, when we can offer our thoughts objectively, when we are willing to show the very parts that we usually hide and keep for only ourselves.
Sorry that the website was not available the last two days due to some technical problems.
Here we go again! ❤️
Some of us ran so far away
during a period of survival,
that we forgot to come back
home to ourselves.
Return home to yourself.
You are safe now.
Your emotions are
a guidance system for you.
Pay attention to the way
that you are feeling
is a very powerful
No one is going to love you
exactly like you imagine.
No one is ever going to read your mind
and take every star from the sky
at the perfect time
and hand it to you.
No one is going to show up
at your door on a horse,
with a shoe you lost.
Do you understand?
That’s why you have to
love yourself enough,
so that any other love
just adds more candles to
the cake you’ve already iced.
A letter to my inner child
Dear little one,
Your eyes see differently than me
And yet you are me
And we’re apart
Because you are a part of me that I can never deny
Here I am, a grown woman. And yet there I go sometimes, falling into you or perhaps you flood into me
And we’re 6 again and we’re scared
And nobody likes to be scared
But I know now, it’s in those moments that you need me most
It’s in your darkest fears that you need me to be with you
That it’s in our togetherness, huddled in the terror that we transform it with our connection and my endless love for you
I know now it’s you calling to me through my suffering, that you’ve been trying to get my attention for many years and I didn’t know how to listen
I hear you now
I understand your urgency and intensity, true powerlessness is known only to children.
You need me. And you can’t un-need me.
And so the only option is to take responsibility for your well-being little one, like the others couldn’t before.
I didn’t want to for a while, I was too angry or perhaps that was you too...
But I want to, I am ready to now
Because I am finally capable of accepting all of you, whereas I honestly couldn’t before. Your pain was too overwhelming and I just wanted you gone.
And I’m sorry for that.
I know that hurt you and made the pain worse.
I am ready to acknowledge your pain and be with you in it.
In our sacred little space that only you and me know.
I will be with 𝘢𝘭𝘭 of you, 𝘯𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵.
I know this is what love is now.
But it took me some time to learn.
All of you is welcome
All of me accepts you
All of us is the safest connection in the world and the deepest medicine our souls have always needed.
Thank you for your sweet medicine little one.
Life wanted you here…
You came here for a purpose
that was mighty and noble.
You have a right to take up space.
You have a right to be treated
with dignity and respect.
(Katherine Woodward Thomas)
You are allowed to take up space.
Own who you are and what you want for yourself.
Stop downplaying the things you care about,
the hopes you have.
Own your passions, your thoughts, your perceptions.
Own your fire.
Stop putting your worth in the hands of others;
stop letting them decide your value.
Own saying no, saying yes.
Own your mood, your feelings.
Own your plans, your path, your success.
What is your commitment?
What is your inner vow?
For which aspect of your soul
would you give your life
rather than to betray it?
Here is mine:
I will always keep my heart open.
I will always stay vulnerable.
I will always allow my heart
to spread and receive love.
No matter how many people hurt me, no matter how many knives I have to pull out of my heart, no matter how often I have to recover after an emotional letdown, no matter how many protective walls around my heart, that I build up in shock, I have to tear down again.
I will tear them down.
Each attack only makes me stronger, leading me to greater self-love and love.
Till one day, my intuition and my strong boundaries are so well developed through all this trial and error, that my heart feels safe with me and I feel safe with my heart.
If someone would force me to choose:
“You can now decide to finally close your heart, admit that it is too dangerous to trust and to be vulnerable; otherwise I will kill you.”
I would answer: “Then kill me.”
I would prefer this one last second of being authentic and openhearted, rather than living maybe forty years in a state of separation and dullness, being buried alive.
No one will ever be able to close my heart.
That's why I am here.
That's what I can teach you.
That's the most precious gift I have to offer you.
What is your gift?
What is your commitment?
What can you teach me?
On Mothering Yourself
- Validate your feelings and emotions
- Pay attention to your needs and honor them
- Give yourself permission to be imperfect
- Offer yourself support, care, and nurturance
- Notice all you are already doing so, so well
- Delight in small moments of joy and connection
- Be tender with your own heart
- Allow yourself to set and maintain boundaries
- Affirm your own existence as a human being
- Approach yourself with deep curiosity
- Remind yourself of your worth, over and over
Things falling apart is a kind of testing
and also a kind of healing.
We think that the point is to pass the test
or to overcome the problem,
but the truth is that things
don’t really get solved.
They come together and they fall apart.
Then they come together again
and fall apart again. It’s just like that.
The healing comes from letting there be
room for all of this to happen:
room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.
I want you to know that before
you learned to not trust yourself
you knew exactly how to.
There will be people, events,
and experiences that strip you of
your intuition and your deep
But what once was known
can be remembered.
Too alien for earth,
too human for outer space.
I've learned that people
will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget
how you made them feel.
Creativity is the way
I share my soul
with the world.
We have created a video version of our newest meditation "SAFE IN THIS MOMENT":
a VISUAL GUIDED MEDITATION.
It is in HD quality and lasts about 30 minutes, so we have started a REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE - Channel on Youtube to publish it there:
The advantage is that you can add it to your playlist & share it from there if you think it might also help a loved one during these challenging times.
It's very soothing and the beautiful imagery helps to develop a loving acceptance of ALL feelings & to reconnect with the soul.
We hope that you enjoy watching it as much as we have enjoyed creating it.
There's more to come...
Sending you all much love ❤️
Verena & Alex
WAYS TO HEAL YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM
- Cold Exposure:
15-30 seconds cold showers
3-5 minutes of intentional breathing
(many different styles + options
available via youtube)
- Spend 20 minutes completely disconnected
from technology within nature
- Yoga (+ other mind-body exercises)
fill a glass with water + gargle
for 2 minutes to stimulate your vagus nerve
place boundaries around what you consume +
who you spend time with based on how
your nervous system is impacted
- Sit across from a partner or something
you trust. Place your hands on each other’s
hearts + take 3 deep slow inhales
(from lower belly) + slow exhales
prioritizing sleep, turning off screens
an hour before bed
Trauma is stored in the body.
Our sympathetic nervous system is our fight or fight response.
When our sympathetic nervous system is activated our body feels like we are in true danger.
For many of us, who live with stress, we have chronic sympathetic nervous system activation.
Sympathetic nervous system activation leaves us highly reactive, on edge, + unable to take in new information.
If you’ve ever seen another person (or yourself) 'overreacting‘ - what you’re actually witnessing is a nervous system state.
Many of us are stuck here.
One of the most important parts of how trauma impacts our nervous system comes from our vagus nerve.
The vagus nerve begins at the brain + connects to every organ within the body.
There is communication highway at every second of every day.
The vagus nerve plays a major role in activating our parasympathetic nervous system.
The parasympathetic nervous system is our rest + digest response.
When we are in our parasympathetic nervous system, we feel relaxed, socially connected, at peace, creative, + able to take in new information without feeling threatened.
In order to stimulate our vagus nerve (+ access this parasympathetic state) we need to practice.
We need to teach our body this safety.
The quickest way to feel this activation without your body is to engage in 3 deep slow breaths + very slow exhales.
Sit for a minute afterwards + feel the difference.
Practice every day.
Build your peace.
We all want the magic fix + it’s an illusion.
Baby steps, repetition, + commitment heals.
(Dr. Nicole LePera)
We need to stop using "sensitive"
as an insult or criticism if we want
sensitivity to be valued and
recognized for what it is:
a quality that is essential to a healthy,
compassionate human society.
I like stormy nights
and full moons.
I like wolves and wild water.
I like to wander
and I like adventures.
I like unpredictable kisses
and conversations full
of unexpected truth.
I like things that have the soul.
They make me feel free.